I am your dinner, your my chocolate cake

There is a beautiful poem going around the web. The some of the lines I remember say I am your parent you are my child I am your calm face you are my wild. I am your dinner, your my chocolate cake. I am your kiss good night, you're wide awake. That's all I remember right now off the top of my head. Something rang true to me in that poem I am your dinner: While it sounds kind of weird and ironic ( since I'm watching world war Z) here is what it brings to mind We are something they need, parents. They need structure, nutritrician, and hope, as well as stability and love. You are my chocolate cake: Chocolate cake, a pure example of something just to nourish the soul, something we need. Happiness, serenity, peace, joy, endulgence. Yes we need these sweet little things to make life whole and happy That is my deep thought for this evening. On a side note my eldest, my beautiful big boy, turns 3 in one month. Planning his birthday around all the therapy, insanity, so on is hard. There is therapy doctor apts full time jobs, and classes to learn how to best teach our babies. But I'll plan it. I am not sure how but I will. Signing off for now

The things we want for

We want many things for our children. Seeing little ones play with each other, tag, patty cake, a since of normalcy. You can want words that say I love you, someone to look up to. But sometimes what we want we are not given. We are given more. Sometimes more is less. Less words, more squeals, less freedom, more structure, less time, more love. Some things hurt until you realize it doesn't, that your just like every other mother. A Mother who devotes her soul to those kids. Who fears for their future. That all you really wat is the best for them. For them to Play, to be happy, proud of you,to know they are loved. Your just like every other mom after all. And that's ok.you don't have to be super mom. Your already a hero to them. And from then on all you want is their happiness. Even if that's lining blocks or stacking books. Working at McDonald's or being an astronaut. And you go from being scared and nervous to jus remembering they arent like every other child, and that's what makes them so amazing they are the only them in the world. And that is pretty cool when you think about it. You just have faith that god has and will continue to give you all the tools you need to raise these two beaitiful idividuals god gave you... And you smile. Cuz you are so blessed. It's not about what you want for them it's what god wants fr them.

About me

I believe in God. I believe in miracles. I have seen them. I was always told I could not have babies, but as you can see you have these two beautiful boys. I believe God gave us these two beautiful boys for a reason. God gives us these beautiful miracles, these tiny little things to raise and to teach and to most importantly love, and it is our highest calling just to give them everything we can. That was the only hard thing about the diagnosis of Autism for Jairmie. It took me a little while to get past the thought of "why wasnt i able to teach him to talk? Why wasnt i able to give him that". God gives us these beautiful gifts that change everything we are. They are so worth it though. I cant even explain. God brings us through hell sometimes, just to get to where we are. Hard times, impossible outcomes, tears, fear, and all of a sudden you are hold ing this beautiful little one to cherish. That is a miracle. That God would pick YOU to raise these children, that is something to be in AWE of. God sacrificed so much for me, the way i see it, then not only does he give us this gift of forgiveness, and unending love, but he, knowing your imperfect, sends you a beautiful perfect gift... its shockingly humbling. Yes I believe in God and I believe God gave us Jairmie and Kaiden for a reason. We are honored to be their parents. I love them with all my heart. When you count ten tiny fingers ten little toes... when you hear that first little snore. you know what i mean. I am thankful so very thankful for these boys. On a more personal note, Recently I was betrayed by someone i love. Whatever the reason, I am thankful for one thing, everything that she did, reminded me one more time how precious these two little miracles are. I went from rushing through the day, task one task two, therapies, cooking cleaning, to once again noticing those little breathes, the song of a childs laughter while reading books while I am cleaning. I will not allow me to ever forget to absorb these things again. While I forgive her... i can never forget it. And I cannot allow my self to be fooled into trusting her again. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. I forgive her, but dont forget, I move on, and I thank God for using a selfish heart (to be fair, all hearts are a little selfish) to remind me to appreciate the little things in life... like a little man holding on tightly to my leg when im trying to vaccum. I thank God for reminding me its about the little moments. All mommys know what its like going day to day back to back moving constently loving your child giving them your best, and just being to busy to remember all the little things that are really the big things. I thank God to be reminded that therapy is important but kisses are priceless... that as the poem goes, quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep! I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.

Meet the boys.

Next I wanted to introduce you to my beautiful boys. Jairmie is our eldest, Kaiden is our youngest. This was just a brief way to introduce you to the boys. This way you have a face to the name.

Why a blog?

My name is Joanna, and the mother of two children. Two beautiful wonderful. Amazing children there is Jairmie who is almost 3 and Kaiden who just turned one. They are inspiration, my hope, my loves, my miracle boys. Jairmie was diagnosed autism this year. Actually only a week or so ago. But we've known something was different about him since he was one. Our main concern and reason for getting them tested was the fact that he is nonverbal. Our pediatrician said not to worry about it, that every kid learns on their own at their own pace and that he would be fine. But almost 3 years old and still not talking we knew there was something that needed to be addressed. Still normal or not, he's a brilliant sweet funny and so energetic. That boy bounces off the walls. Kaiden also disabled, he has a global developmental delay. He has compassion understanding for his brother and are blessed have both these beautiful children. Balancing two children with disabilities is hard. You're always afraid that you may be doing something wrong that it may come across as though you have a favorite, or you have a harder time teaching one or you have a hard time balancing if all and heck my kids aren't even five yet they won't remember anything from this. It's scary though because you don't want to play favorites but you have to help both children be the best they can be. So you pull yourself up by your bootstraps, have faith pray and hope to God that he gives you strength to get through every day. This blog is being written to raise awareness for autism for what it's like to be a special-needs parent and to give me some sanity. So without further ado welcome to my blog, welcome to my life.