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I cannot be the mom you deserve... 

Always happy. 

Always hopeful.

Always understanding. 

Always ready with a smile. 

But i will try to be. Because with every fiber in my being i love you. Every... Single... Fiber of me i love being your mother. 

I love your smiles. I love your little personalities. I live for the moments where you tell me your thoughts, your dreams. 

I feel so unworthy of being your mother

Your so sweet, so pure. 

I fear my anxiety gets in the way. I feel anxious so often, and when i feel anxuous I fear I am failing you. 

But from my anxiety i hope you learn.

I hope you learn that its ok to be broken as long as you pick up the pieces ans move on. 

I hope you learn there is never a day that isnt worth living and loving

I hope you learn to be loving, to be strong, and to care about others. 

I hope you learn fear happens and will effect you, but you cant let it steal your joy. 

I hope you learn its ok to be angry about being afraid, but its never ok to let your fear or anger control you. 

I wish i could live forever my loves 

Because my greatest fear is leaving you one day. I never want to die because i never want you to feel alone. 

Because my love for you permiates everything i am. My love for you is all i am. Sometimes i fear what I am is not enough 

But all i am, and all i have, is you. 

My perfext sweet boys, when moms  broken your my glue. 

And i love you

When God made you...

When God made you.... 

You were inside of mommy for 10 months.... 

But before mommy and daddy even thought of you.... 

God knew what he was doing, and who he was making.

God formed you inside of mommy.

 Buggy he gave you a ring of dark brown hair around your head, you looked like a baby monk. He gave you Mommy's nose and daddy's smile. You got mommy's ears, and daddys eyes. As you grew up your hair turned blonde then back to brown. You always had so much joy. You were different, but to us you're just  our baby. 

K he gave you a head full of beautiful red hair. He gave you the most beautiful blue eyes, just like your daddy. You too got mommy's nose and daddy's smile. Your head turned blonde, just like your daddy's used to be. You have this spirit this silly ornery little spirit. You too were different, but you're just mommy and daddy baby. Our youngest. Our little baby. 

God formed you inside of mommy and he knew. He knew you, buggy, would not talk till after your third birthday. He knew your first word would be "7". He knew you would like dinosaurs. He knew you would change our world. With your little smile, and your playful ways. He knew there would be moments that would break our hearts, but he knew your smile would fix that. Sweet baby K, he knew you too. He knew you wouldn't crawl till after your first birthday. He knew when you did would be the first time you would babble "mama" so small, sweet, innocent and excited.  He knew you would complete our little family. That you would have so much personality. Particular, hardheaded and sweet, just so sweet. Your sweetness  would light up our lives.

God made you so special. God made both so beautiful, so pure, and so very kind. You have these big personalities. These big beautiful sweet nice amazing personalities. 

God planned every little thing about you. God made you focused, kind, crazy, loud, trying at times but so amazing. 

God knew... God planned it all. 

God made you autistic. 

Mommy doesn't ask God why.Mommy doesn't   need to. Mommy knows why. You needed to be autistic to be who he made you to be. To make the impact you were meant to make. To change mommy's goals, mommy's plans. To make daddy come out of his shell. To show us all a beautiful world of breakthroughs, miracles, a world that reminds us every day God is very much real. And miracles still happen. 

The miracle of a first word we never thought we would hear, of first steps, of first taste of broccoli, without throwing up  of course, the miracle of co-play, of first letters and recognizing emotions. The miracle, the beauty, the rollercoaster of the wonderful world of Autism. 

God made you autistic. You made me different, because now I know what the world of autism is. I now know how beautiful this world is and I can now be a part of it, i can help other kiddos just like you. You made me different, better, and now its just my job to help to make you good men. 

And that job, my boys, is an honor.

God formed you, and I get to teach you.

I am so glad God made you. Beautiful, fun, silly, flamboyant, fun, amazing... Autistic and perfectly... You. 

Today I mourn; a call for change

Two years ago my eldest was diagnosed with autism. When that happened a dear friend of mine said to me "You mourn the child you thought you were going to have, Joanna, so you can embrace the child you were given." I would like to say I have done that. When buggy(my eldest) was diagnosed I was a flood of tears. I was terrified. When K(my baby) was diagnosed a year and a half later, well, I was a rock. Unshaken. Undeterred. Unafraid. My family has grown to embrace autism. We see all the beauty it entails. Don't think we are ignorant. We are not. We see and feel the struggles like every other autism family, we just choose to focus on the joy. We value their out of the box play(now that they actually play), we celebrate every milestone. We hold them to high standards we would have held them to had they been neurotypical. Manners are a battle but we are working hard on them. We are working on responsibility, so they have chorws. We are working on sharing. We are working on co-play vs. parallel play. We have never given our children the idea that there is any reason they should be favored, should be danced around, or should not be held to the same standards as everyone else. I have to say my children are fantastic. They are loving, silly, fun, flamboyant and ostentatious and... they are autistic.

But today, today is hard. Today I mourn. Today I mourn, because I am terrified for their future. Will they mainstream? Will they know love? Will they know friendship? Will the world take its head out of its rear, ignore its impossible standards and accept my children? It scares me to death. I love my children. But today I mourn, because my eldest (who knows he is autistic and will tell me he has awesome) asked me if his friends (who went on a vacation over Christmas break), left because of his awesome. "A & E bye bye cuz no like my awesome?" he asked. And no. Of course they didn't. His friends love him. He is blessed with some of the best friends. I am blessed to be friends with their mothers. But something was there to make him think that. It wasn't me. It wasn't my husband, or my friends. Like i said we have never given my children the ideas that they cannot do anything they want to. So what told my sweet 5 year old little boy that his "awesome" made him not good enough. What told him that he was not worthy of friendship. Please, someone tell me what told my kid that and how I can completely remove that from his life.... oh wait... it was the world. The world he and his brother are going to have to grow up in. Today I mourn. Today I am terrified for their future, for the future of all kids with Autism. With disabilities. Today I mourn for my children, and for my students(I am a paraprofessional in an autism specific classroom). I wonder if the world will see past the echolalia, the stemming, the need for sensory breaks, the need for routine and occasional hard time expressing emotion. I wonder if this world will grow to accept my buggy, my k, and everyone of my students. You see, I know, and you know if you have ever had a chance to love someone with autism, they are not a burden, they are a blessing. So someone please, speak out. So no one else's child has to assume that they are not worth friendship. Every single person was put on this earth with a purpose. Despite what disability they may have, or maybe because of their disability. They have something to give, they have an inherit value. And if we are to blind to see this the world will just keep getting darker. Shine for individuality, embrace and accept those with disability. Be someones friend. In 2016 make your mark on the world by making a mark on a life. Let them change you. Let them in. It will be worth it. You will be more for having done this, and the life you change with your love acceptance and friendship will not be the only life that will have been both changed for the better, but also changed for good. Today, I, a mom of 2 sweet boys, who are only 5 & 3 has to mourn, but together we can change that tomorrow. We can love, blindly, openly, and unconditionally. We can send the message that its ok to be different. That different is breathtakingly beautiful. Will you?