Lately I've been thinking

I consider myself a woman of faith. I believe in God, in the bible, in good will towards my fellow man. In making a difference. In leaving a legacy that leads back to God. But lately I have been struggling, and probably over thinking things. I see leaps and bounds of progress in my 2 boys. Buggy is up to almost 50 words, Kaiden is slowly starting to talk, and I am thankful and proud. I know they will be just what they are supposed to be, but say they are behind. Saying they are delayed. Say they are disabled and they notice it. Say it causes them pain. What do I tell them to renew their faith in a god I so strongly believe in. After weeks of thought, I feel like I have been given the answer to such questions. My boys, you were born to a mother who could never have kids. You were given as a gift to the world. Your births were supposed to kill me, but I am still here. You were given prognosis' from doctors. Kaiden your pediatrician thought you "simply may never progress" and Jairmie, they said you would never talk, but look at you now. You were not given the easiest path but it was yours. And it's exactly where your supposed to be. You were put on this earth to remind people to never loose hope, never let go, never give up. You were given as a reminder to NEVER believe in the impossible. I want you to remember our songs we sing. All things bright and beautiful, all creatures great and small, all things wise and wonderful, our lord God made them all. If he took the time to make you do you think he would mis-make you? You are my miracles, my inspiration and the renewal of my faith. You can be anything. No person, no diagnosis, and no sichuation can stand in your way if you don't. Why did God make you like this? Because that's YOUR purpose. I am honored to be part of that purpose and journey. I want to see you soar in what you love. Don't let anyone change you. Ever. You change you. Make you who you thing HE would have you be. Love and live, have joy and peace and just a few tears but Never doubt you were beautifully and wonderfully made with a purpose. I love you dearly. And if you need further answers talk to he who places you with in me and spoke life into you. My precious boys. Mommy wishes the world for you. But not this one, one you will make better

Crazy amazing days

So many good things going on lately! So many crazy hectic beautiful things! Kaiden is WALKING! Scratch that, he is almost RUNNING! It is insane to me that my baby is sooo big! Jairmie is talking! yes thats right TALKING! All numbers, and the word "bug" (his nick name) but I am so very thankful! I can hardly believe what God has done for us in such lil time! PRAISE THE LORD! They are beautifully and wonderfully made, that is for sure! My boys are just where they are meant to be in their lives right now. K has speach ot and pt therapy Jairmie is now part of DDD and has respite and they are clearing his habilitation! He is in school 3 hours a day 4 days a week and I am thankful its helping him so much! I miss him but it gives me and k kaiden and mommy time and im soo thankful And then of course im working. Its been hectic, i wish i had time for more gushing about my joy and pride in these 2 fantastic boys, but alas i do not! so *GUSH GUSH TEARS OF JOY" thank you all for reading!

Today it hit me

Tomorrow we celebrate my oldest son's birthday. It's hard to believe that three years ago that rambunctious little boy was just a baby. Monday he goes to school for the first time and I find myself lost, I love that little boy so much and I am having a hard time letting go. But I suppose every child has to spread their wings and fly at sometime, I know that the school is going to be amazing for my boy. It's harder for me to let go because he does have a disability. What if they don't treat them right, what if they don't understand him what if you can't make friends the same way everybody else can will he be okay these are my questions but I just have faith that they'll do what's best for him that'll go to love him and cherish him like I do. He's growing so fast, I think of all the milestones of all the amazing things that have gone on our lives since a little baby I could never have was born. He is so cherished, and so loved and though it's hard for me to let him go for just 2 1/2 hours a day I know that this is best for him and he'll love it there. I have faith that God will use this to help him be stronger and better and maybe even start having some words. I have faith but boy am I going to miss that sweet little boy, my baby is three years old in less than a week. It's going to be a big change but of course I'll have little Kaiden and care for. My sweet little one-year-old boy my little baby or, he's a baby to me. I hope that this will be a good change for little jair I hope that me and his teacher can form an alliance where together we can help them grow stronger. A new chapter in our life is beginning, I'm sure it will have its own crazy turns it's undulations on hardships. I can't wait to see my boys grow up. I am so proud of them so proud to be their mommy got give me the wisdom to know what comes next for me how I can be a better mommy is beautiful little boys. And hey just wanting some more cuddles for Kaiden and mommy more time to practice walking talking and praying together I'm sure it'll Jeremy will have a blast and meaning Kaiden will have a ball I can't believe my child is already going to school I can't believe he's turning three but I'm so thankful to have them here with me today. Praise the Lord to give her for great thanks thank you for choosing me to be these boys mommy

I am your dinner, your my chocolate cake

There is a beautiful poem going around the web. The some of the lines I remember say I am your parent you are my child I am your calm face you are my wild. I am your dinner, your my chocolate cake. I am your kiss good night, you're wide awake. That's all I remember right now off the top of my head. Something rang true to me in that poem I am your dinner: While it sounds kind of weird and ironic ( since I'm watching world war Z) here is what it brings to mind We are something they need, parents. They need structure, nutritrician, and hope, as well as stability and love. You are my chocolate cake: Chocolate cake, a pure example of something just to nourish the soul, something we need. Happiness, serenity, peace, joy, endulgence. Yes we need these sweet little things to make life whole and happy That is my deep thought for this evening. On a side note my eldest, my beautiful big boy, turns 3 in one month. Planning his birthday around all the therapy, insanity, so on is hard. There is therapy doctor apts full time jobs, and classes to learn how to best teach our babies. But I'll plan it. I am not sure how but I will. Signing off for now

The things we want for

We want many things for our children. Seeing little ones play with each other, tag, patty cake, a since of normalcy. You can want words that say I love you, someone to look up to. But sometimes what we want we are not given. We are given more. Sometimes more is less. Less words, more squeals, less freedom, more structure, less time, more love. Some things hurt until you realize it doesn't, that your just like every other mother. A Mother who devotes her soul to those kids. Who fears for their future. That all you really wat is the best for them. For them to Play, to be happy, proud of you,to know they are loved. Your just like every other mom after all. And that's ok.you don't have to be super mom. Your already a hero to them. And from then on all you want is their happiness. Even if that's lining blocks or stacking books. Working at McDonald's or being an astronaut. And you go from being scared and nervous to jus remembering they arent like every other child, and that's what makes them so amazing they are the only them in the world. And that is pretty cool when you think about it. You just have faith that god has and will continue to give you all the tools you need to raise these two beaitiful idividuals god gave you... And you smile. Cuz you are so blessed. It's not about what you want for them it's what god wants fr them.

About me

I believe in God. I believe in miracles. I have seen them. I was always told I could not have babies, but as you can see you have these two beautiful boys. I believe God gave us these two beautiful boys for a reason. God gives us these beautiful miracles, these tiny little things to raise and to teach and to most importantly love, and it is our highest calling just to give them everything we can. That was the only hard thing about the diagnosis of Autism for Jairmie. It took me a little while to get past the thought of "why wasnt i able to teach him to talk? Why wasnt i able to give him that". God gives us these beautiful gifts that change everything we are. They are so worth it though. I cant even explain. God brings us through hell sometimes, just to get to where we are. Hard times, impossible outcomes, tears, fear, and all of a sudden you are hold ing this beautiful little one to cherish. That is a miracle. That God would pick YOU to raise these children, that is something to be in AWE of. God sacrificed so much for me, the way i see it, then not only does he give us this gift of forgiveness, and unending love, but he, knowing your imperfect, sends you a beautiful perfect gift... its shockingly humbling. Yes I believe in God and I believe God gave us Jairmie and Kaiden for a reason. We are honored to be their parents. I love them with all my heart. When you count ten tiny fingers ten little toes... when you hear that first little snore. you know what i mean. I am thankful so very thankful for these boys. On a more personal note, Recently I was betrayed by someone i love. Whatever the reason, I am thankful for one thing, everything that she did, reminded me one more time how precious these two little miracles are. I went from rushing through the day, task one task two, therapies, cooking cleaning, to once again noticing those little breathes, the song of a childs laughter while reading books while I am cleaning. I will not allow me to ever forget to absorb these things again. While I forgive her... i can never forget it. And I cannot allow my self to be fooled into trusting her again. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. I forgive her, but dont forget, I move on, and I thank God for using a selfish heart (to be fair, all hearts are a little selfish) to remind me to appreciate the little things in life... like a little man holding on tightly to my leg when im trying to vaccum. I thank God for reminding me its about the little moments. All mommys know what its like going day to day back to back moving constently loving your child giving them your best, and just being to busy to remember all the little things that are really the big things. I thank God to be reminded that therapy is important but kisses are priceless... that as the poem goes, quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep! I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.

Meet the boys.

Next I wanted to introduce you to my beautiful boys. Jairmie is our eldest, Kaiden is our youngest. This was just a brief way to introduce you to the boys. This way you have a face to the name.