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I cannot be the mom you deserve... 

Always happy. 

Always hopeful.

Always understanding. 

Always ready with a smile. 

But i will try to be. Because with every fiber in my being i love you. Every... Single... Fiber of me i love being your mother. 

I love your smiles. I love your little personalities. I live for the moments where you tell me your thoughts, your dreams. 

I feel so unworthy of being your mother

Your so sweet, so pure. 

I fear my anxiety gets in the way. I feel anxious so often, and when i feel anxuous I fear I am failing you. 

But from my anxiety i hope you learn.

I hope you learn that its ok to be broken as long as you pick up the pieces ans move on. 

I hope you learn there is never a day that isnt worth living and loving

I hope you learn to be loving, to be strong, and to care about others. 

I hope you learn fear happens and will effect you, but you cant let it steal your joy. 

I hope you learn its ok to be angry about being afraid, but its never ok to let your fear or anger control you. 

I wish i could live forever my loves 

Because my greatest fear is leaving you one day. I never want to die because i never want you to feel alone. 

Because my love for you permiates everything i am. My love for you is all i am. Sometimes i fear what I am is not enough 

But all i am, and all i have, is you. 

My perfext sweet boys, when moms  broken your my glue. 

And i love you

When God made you...

When God made you.... 

You were inside of mommy for 10 months.... 

But before mommy and daddy even thought of you.... 

God knew what he was doing, and who he was making.

God formed you inside of mommy.

 Buggy he gave you a ring of dark brown hair around your head, you looked like a baby monk. He gave you Mommy's nose and daddy's smile. You got mommy's ears, and daddys eyes. As you grew up your hair turned blonde then back to brown. You always had so much joy. You were different, but to us you're just  our baby. 

K he gave you a head full of beautiful red hair. He gave you the most beautiful blue eyes, just like your daddy. You too got mommy's nose and daddy's smile. Your head turned blonde, just like your daddy's used to be. You have this spirit this silly ornery little spirit. You too were different, but you're just mommy and daddy baby. Our youngest. Our little baby. 

God formed you inside of mommy and he knew. He knew you, buggy, would not talk till after your third birthday. He knew your first word would be "7". He knew you would like dinosaurs. He knew you would change our world. With your little smile, and your playful ways. He knew there would be moments that would break our hearts, but he knew your smile would fix that. Sweet baby K, he knew you too. He knew you wouldn't crawl till after your first birthday. He knew when you did would be the first time you would babble "mama" so small, sweet, innocent and excited.  He knew you would complete our little family. That you would have so much personality. Particular, hardheaded and sweet, just so sweet. Your sweetness  would light up our lives.

God made you so special. God made both so beautiful, so pure, and so very kind. You have these big personalities. These big beautiful sweet nice amazing personalities. 

God planned every little thing about you. God made you focused, kind, crazy, loud, trying at times but so amazing. 

God knew... God planned it all. 

God made you autistic. 

Mommy doesn't ask God why.Mommy doesn't   need to. Mommy knows why. You needed to be autistic to be who he made you to be. To make the impact you were meant to make. To change mommy's goals, mommy's plans. To make daddy come out of his shell. To show us all a beautiful world of breakthroughs, miracles, a world that reminds us every day God is very much real. And miracles still happen. 

The miracle of a first word we never thought we would hear, of first steps, of first taste of broccoli, without throwing up  of course, the miracle of co-play, of first letters and recognizing emotions. The miracle, the beauty, the rollercoaster of the wonderful world of Autism. 

God made you autistic. You made me different, because now I know what the world of autism is. I now know how beautiful this world is and I can now be a part of it, i can help other kiddos just like you. You made me different, better, and now its just my job to help to make you good men. 

And that job, my boys, is an honor.

God formed you, and I get to teach you.

I am so glad God made you. Beautiful, fun, silly, flamboyant, fun, amazing... Autistic and perfectly... You. 

Today I mourn; a call for change

Two years ago my eldest was diagnosed with autism. When that happened a dear friend of mine said to me "You mourn the child you thought you were going to have, Joanna, so you can embrace the child you were given." I would like to say I have done that. When buggy(my eldest) was diagnosed I was a flood of tears. I was terrified. When K(my baby) was diagnosed a year and a half later, well, I was a rock. Unshaken. Undeterred. Unafraid. My family has grown to embrace autism. We see all the beauty it entails. Don't think we are ignorant. We are not. We see and feel the struggles like every other autism family, we just choose to focus on the joy. We value their out of the box play(now that they actually play), we celebrate every milestone. We hold them to high standards we would have held them to had they been neurotypical. Manners are a battle but we are working hard on them. We are working on responsibility, so they have chorws. We are working on sharing. We are working on co-play vs. parallel play. We have never given our children the idea that there is any reason they should be favored, should be danced around, or should not be held to the same standards as everyone else. I have to say my children are fantastic. They are loving, silly, fun, flamboyant and ostentatious and... they are autistic.

But today, today is hard. Today I mourn. Today I mourn, because I am terrified for their future. Will they mainstream? Will they know love? Will they know friendship? Will the world take its head out of its rear, ignore its impossible standards and accept my children? It scares me to death. I love my children. But today I mourn, because my eldest (who knows he is autistic and will tell me he has awesome) asked me if his friends (who went on a vacation over Christmas break), left because of his awesome. "A & E bye bye cuz no like my awesome?" he asked. And no. Of course they didn't. His friends love him. He is blessed with some of the best friends. I am blessed to be friends with their mothers. But something was there to make him think that. It wasn't me. It wasn't my husband, or my friends. Like i said we have never given my children the ideas that they cannot do anything they want to. So what told my sweet 5 year old little boy that his "awesome" made him not good enough. What told him that he was not worthy of friendship. Please, someone tell me what told my kid that and how I can completely remove that from his life.... oh wait... it was the world. The world he and his brother are going to have to grow up in. Today I mourn. Today I am terrified for their future, for the future of all kids with Autism. With disabilities. Today I mourn for my children, and for my students(I am a paraprofessional in an autism specific classroom). I wonder if the world will see past the echolalia, the stemming, the need for sensory breaks, the need for routine and occasional hard time expressing emotion. I wonder if this world will grow to accept my buggy, my k, and everyone of my students. You see, I know, and you know if you have ever had a chance to love someone with autism, they are not a burden, they are a blessing. So someone please, speak out. So no one else's child has to assume that they are not worth friendship. Every single person was put on this earth with a purpose. Despite what disability they may have, or maybe because of their disability. They have something to give, they have an inherit value. And if we are to blind to see this the world will just keep getting darker. Shine for individuality, embrace and accept those with disability. Be someones friend. In 2016 make your mark on the world by making a mark on a life. Let them change you. Let them in. It will be worth it. You will be more for having done this, and the life you change with your love acceptance and friendship will not be the only life that will have been both changed for the better, but also changed for good. Today, I, a mom of 2 sweet boys, who are only 5 & 3 has to mourn, but together we can change that tomorrow. We can love, blindly, openly, and unconditionally. We can send the message that its ok to be different. That different is breathtakingly beautiful. Will you?

I am a warrior mom

I am a warrior. But what i fight is not my kids "disabilities" You see I believe that my children, my sweet boys, were made exactly how God wanted them. Even amoungst some family this isn't a popular belief, because hands down, I would not change them if I could. My sons are not a disabilities. They are not defective. They are not off, wrong, or inadequate. They are simply different Their autism isn't ugly. Their autism isn't judgemental. Their autism isn't offensive. And neither are other disabilities. This is not the war I am fighting. I am a warrior. I am a warrior, and I know my ally. My sons, autism and all are my allies. We are in this battle together. What are we fighting? We are fighting for full equality and necessary accommodation in education. We are fighting for education for our law enforcers and social workers. We are fighting for them to maintain the right to stem in public without judgement. We are fighting for ACCEPTANCE. And while most of the above people, professionals especially, will say they agree with these causes and want to see them met, they will also tell you there are always areas for improvement. I am a warrior. I battle for the child who I carried in my womb. The child I birthed, fed, sang to, stayed up days in a row with. The child I coax out of meltdowns, the child I snuggle when scared. I fight for my child. My child who has the same rights as every other child. I am not saying the world if asked "should disabled kids have the right to a equal education with accommodation" would say no. I am saying they don't ask how we can achieve a better system. What i can tell you is if we found and achieved a better system for those with disabilities all our children would be the better for it. We hide away kids with disabilities, not because we are saying they should be hidden, but because we say there is a standard for normal and we need to reach as high as we can to affect it. We don't want the Autistic kids flapping to distract the child to either side of them. But kids adjust. They can and will get used to it. It can and will become second nature to ignore it. When they do something amazing happens. You see they are becoming accepting individuals. Seeing their classmate not for their disability but for their mind and heart. Now I know kids can be shallow and they can be mean. Bullying for any reason cannot be tolerated. All life styles, belief systems, races and mental abilities must be respected. We should do all we can to encourage good character in the classroom. Character traits like: Adaption Flexibility Kindness Goodness Charity Love Acceptance Joy Friendship Openmindedness and so on. That should be the call of educators. All educators. Principles, department heads, teachers, subs, and so on all the way down to the paraprofessionals like me. In accepting and teaching our children of disabilities we are effectively killing two birds with one stone. See our future social workers, police officers, teachers, politicians and other prominent members of the community are in high school right now. If we could teach about others of all type of disabilities, of what they face, if we could encourage empathy and acceptance in our youth for such people, how much more respect would they have for their common man. For those who face big battles. And how much more empathy would there be when the "normal" people in their lives face hardships? There is no negative that cannot be over come by merging our student population with the population of disabled students. And me? This warrior mom? That's the war I am fighting for. The war for a better world for my children. The war for a better world for yours. Teaching character can and will change our world So where do we start? How about a mandatory semester paired with someone facing a disability for one class. For art, pe, or other non core classes you could choose from. Our children could learn from each other. Mine from yours, and yes yours from mine, disability and all. Extra curricular clubs with pairings like this would be amazing too. If a child cannot be put in a mainstreamed classroom we could bring main-stream children to them. Units studying different disabilities in depth and what these kids face, and how their lives still matter and they still make viable friends is another one. Now I am just listing ideas off the top of my head. Our education system has come so far, and I am proud to work for a school that really works at equality. But with how far we have come we still have further we could go. I am a warrior mom, And maybe its time for more of us to fight.

Dear future daughters-in-love

II don't know who you are. 

I don't know what you believe.

I don't know where you are from.

I don't know you. 

But I know your future spouse:

That's my baby boy. 

You will one day marry either my sweet buggy (Jairmie) who is focused, funny, and friendly or my baby K (Kaiden) who is tempermental, thoughtful and tender.

You will be my daughter-in-love. 

You will be the one who my son chooses, and who chooses him. 

I want to thank you now for loving him one day. My boys have overcome a lot in their short lives. They have endured therapists, doctors, and high expectations to ensure they are the best they can be while still keeping who they are intact. Autism and all. 

You should know I litterally know nothing about you. Jairmie is 4, his world right now revolves around dinosaurs, order,  and chocolate. Kaiden is 2(almost 3) and his world is a whirlwind of trucks, grapes(his favorite food), and just not understanding why there are rules. 

But one day it will revolve around you and The Lord, I pray. 

I know some of what you will see in my boys though, because they are a lot like their daddy. Especially kaiden :) 

I know that there will be a day where your future husband will ignore your need for his interest. 

I know that your husband will sometimes get so wrapped up in life he forgets to say I love you when he hangs up the phone.

I know there will be days when it feels like he doesn't understand. Or even doesn't care.

But I know he will love you. You will take my place in his life. You will be his greatest support system, the sholder he cries on, and he will be yours. You willknow  and respect when he needs you, and when he needs space. 

My boy, who you love with all your heart, will always be my baby. 

He will be silly. Both my boys like to giggle and have fun. 

He will be loving. Both my boys love cuddle time. 

He will be cautious: encourage him to step out of his comfort zone. 

He will be kind, but in a different way. Jairmie and Kaiden are giving loving people. But sometimes they show love in weird way sometimes. They show love by random little acts. Sometimes they can't get te words out. Autism is part of them. It is likely they will not always be able to access their words te way they want. Be patient, because what they have to say will make you happy 

Please remember he will always be my baby. The baby I never knew I would have. I will do everything I can to teach him how to love a woman. How to treat her. How to respect her. I will give it everything i have. 

I will teach him to show honor and love for God by the way he loves and honors his family. 

I am asking you, my sweet daughter in love, to love my boy, with all your heart. 

I am asking him to love you the same way. 

I am asking you not to hate me. I want to be your friend. 

I am begging you to not be angry at ther differences but embrace them. 

I don't know where they will be when you meet them. I know right now I am trying so hard to help them catch up. I am working daily with them to learn to read others emotions and respect them, while still respecting their own. I hope I succeed. I hope they succeed 

Don't be mad when he can't tell you why you are upset: explain it. He is like his mommy. It's hard to understand what each different negitive emotion in each person looks like, and how to help. 

He will touch your soul, you will touch his.

I hope they love you, beautiful soul, how you deserve to be loved. 

Thank you for loving my boy. 

Forgive him when he screws up. He will. 

I pray I don't mess up raising him. I'm really trying. 

You can come to talk to me, daughter -in-love. I will listen. 

You may worry I'll just take his side cuz he is my son, but if you are the one I have prayed God will give him, the till

Death do us part kinda love, then you will be what's best for him. You can come to me, my goal will be to support your marriage, your love, your similarities and differences while being a loving ear. 

Thank you, so very much. 

Thank you for loving my boys, just as they are.

Tonight I pray for you. 

Something to consider.

I have anxiety and depression.

I have special needs children.

As you can tell these two things correlate.

However if you remember your years in school correlation does not necessarily equal causation. For example, just because I have two children with disabilities doesn't mean they have to have caused my depression and anxiety.

In fact, they are not the cause. 

I have had depression anxiety since I was little. I experienced abuse, neglect, and emotional turmoil. Yeah I know boo-hoo, poor me, someone cry me a river. Okay now that that's over back to our subject matter. 

My children did not cause my anxiety and depression. In fact, they are the only thing that brings me joy when I am in a deep depressive state. Somehow though every single doctor I see seems to believe the reason why I'm depressed like solely due to the fact that I have two children with disabilities. They also seem to believe that all of my anxiety have to do with my children's future. Do not get me wrong like every other parent I worry about my childrens future. Will they have friends, will they be happy, will they find love?

Why is it that every doctor I have ever seen, since my children started showing delays, link the anxiety and depression I experience back to their delays?

Stigma.

STIGMA.

Yes there are parents of children with disabilities who did not prior to the diagnosis of their child have depression or anxiety. I'm not disputing this fact. However what is to say that these parents are depressed because of the children's disabilities? What to say they would not have been equally depressed and overwhelmed therefore anxious by a neurotypical or normal child. 

In this case is correlation truly equal causation? I would argue no, unless you are speaking in the realm of specific cases.

Why do I say this? Because majority of Americans at some point in their life will experience depression.  Depression and anxiety are both normal reaction and to some point adaptive behaviors.

We are a social species and in such we form bonds when these bonds are challenged our view on the world is in fact challenged.  

We are being affected by the views of others. 

We are being impacted by stigma. 

In short, we care about what people think. This is a natural reaction for humans. Somebody who doesn't have the background I may not experience anxiety the way I do. To an extent though we are all affected by the anxiety of what will people think of us and as an extension of ourselves: our offspring. When people disapprove of our children it hurts because we love them so fervently. This pain can blossom into depression. The isolation society puts on parents and those who have disabilities is undeniable. If we go back to our previous thought correlation does not always equal causation.

Our children are not the cause of depression and anxiety in parents special-needs children, in my humble opinion.  Now I don't have a degree in psychology but bear with me. 

Let's break this down to a basic example of where correlation does not equal causation. 

*disclaimer: I know many face medical problems that cause their obesity. It is important to recognize this while realizing most obesity is caused from poor eating habits. Btw I am fat. An American size 22. 

Obese people use spoons to eat. However not everyone who uses spoons to eat it will be obese. Why?  The answer is obvious.  Spoons don't cause people to be fat. 

What causes people to be fat? Well obviously what comes with the spoon I.e. the over abundance of sugary food. 

Examples like this are very basic but hold true for the issue at hand. The disabled child is not the cause of depression. In fact, most parents of children with disabilities will tell you their child is the light of their life.

What caused the depression is their predisposition to depression and anxiety(if applicable), the paperwork, the doctors appointments, poor support systems, ignoranance surrounding disability, lack of sleep, Ect. 

Still we hear doctors say things as ignorant as "I would be depressed too if my child were disabled". 

As parents of children with disabilities we recognize this is an effort to be sympathetic to our life and the trials that we face. However, with a little more understanding of disabilities, and better support for those facing disabilities and their families we could potentially lower the rate of depression and anxiety famililies of those with  disabilities. 

It's scary not knowing if the world will support your child as they grow older.

It's scary not knowing if you or your child will be rejected solely due to the developmental or physical state that your child is in.

I speak mostly for me as a mother. However I feel certain many will agree, our children are not burdens. Our children are our joy. The burden lays in pleasing society and reaching their goal of what a perfect family should be. We are not allowed to fall short without serious speculation on whether or not we are fit parents for children.  We are warriors in our own right. For we don't face the battlefield equipment gun and a chance of our death we face the battlefield equipped with knowledge that we know people will not readily accept.

They are not the same no but they are equally real.

I am not depressed because of my children and as a mother of two differently-abled children I would ask Doctors and professional to consider the fact that perhaps my children are my joy and not my sorrow because different is not less, simply different and that is kind of beautiful.

You may ask why this matters. Either way parents of disabled children may experience more then their fair share of depression. 

I assure you it matters. As A relatively normal person I can tell you that I would not want to be considered the cause of someone else's pain. Especially someone I love. People facing disabilities have a hard enough life without the burden of our blame placed on them. 

It is not my child fault I depression.

And it's not your child either. It's just a fact of life and perhaps time we realize that we cannot truly blame other people for how we ourselves feel. They inform it, they affected, but they do not cause it. 

To my boys

My sweet boys: it doesn't matter. 

It doesn't matter. 

It doesn't matter one little bit. 

But you do. 

You are different. You love to spin, and bang your heads on the walls. You are behind in your language development. You are not normal.

But coming from me you were never going to be. Momma is a weirdo, a misfit: a writer. Momma has always been better articulated on paper then in person. Momma has a hard time telling between angry/sad, happy/content. Momma is loud. Momma is anxious.

Momma might be autistic. It doesn't matter. 

Because momma, just like you, tries. 

It doesn't matter:

What people say

What people think

What people do

What matters is what you do. 

You have a disability. 

It doesn't matter. 

Because  everything that delays you, slows you, makes you feel different, or frustrates you, is not everything that makes you. 

What makes you is:

Your determination: to both successfully break rules and to over come other obstacles

Your joy: in every dark cloud you see a silver lining. 

Your love: no two brothers could love eachother  quite as much as you do. 

Your strength: You have lived through more then many children ever will. You have fought a big battle and won so many Victories!   

Your optimism: no matter what you face you are always happy. Always thankful. Just like Momma when something goes wrong you simply say "I'm blessed" and move forward 

Your smart: you can break into any lock.

Bug: at four you can already add and spell basic words. 

K: you know your alphabet, you numbers and lots of animals... And your only 2!!!

You both have overcome and over achieved in so many places

That's only part of who you are!

You also have autism, incredible attention to detail, a brilliant mind and endless potential.

You have autism. This doesn't mean you have no hope. Infact that is so far from the truth. You can do anything. You don't have to be rich to be successful. Money's nice but being able to wake up daily and do what you enjoy is nicer. To have family and friends.

I guess what I want to tell you is your gonna hear a lot of can'ts, won'ts, and nevers! 

Don't listen to a single one of them. 

Not one. 

Because as cliché as it sounds you can be anything. I believe this with every fiber of my being. You are miracles. You have already surpassed every doctors limits they have set for you. 

You're an ispiration. You're a miracle. You are my pride and joy. 

My two sweet boys, don't let others direct your destiny, you won't like where you end up, cuz it won't feel like home. 

Own your future, because it's truely yours. 

And the critics? Forget them. 

Because seriously what matters is you are doing the best you can at being the best you can be. What more can anyone ask! 

Let's stop scaring parents

This week my youngest, sweet lil Kaiden Wyatt was diagnosed with autism. 

On my blog to him you can find my thoughts I wanted to express to him. 

But here is what I want to say to the world. 

STOP TERRIFYING PARENTS!!!

Autism. 

The word strikes fear in the heart of parents. But bear with me if you will. 

Imagine you go into an office concerned about your child. He/she seems a little different from other children. After 3 hours, the doctor comes back with a sorrowful look on their face and says:

Miss/Mister (your last name), I have some unfortunate news for you. Your child has been diagnosed with 

Add any of the below:

Being different

Creativity 

Uniqueness

Stubbornness

Focus

Energy

Imagination 

Organization 

Logic

Practicality 

Honesty 

Strangeness

Abnormality 

Resourcefulness 

Now what do you think? Because every one describes people on the autism spectrum all over the world. 

Not to belittle the struggles autistics face living in a neurotypical world but they can live happy lives. They can live productive lives. Autistics have friendships, degrees, jobs, spouses, sex, and children. 

This isn't my first rodeo. 1 1/2 years ago my sweet Jairmie William was diagnosed. 

And they terrified me. They made me think my child would have no future. 

JUST BECAUSE SOMETHING ISNT TYPICAL DOESNT MEAN ITS NOT VALUABLE!!!

Please my friends and readers share this. Because there is something you must learn this autism awareness month:

Autism isn't a sentence to a bad life, it's a different path to a good one.

Every single autistic adult I have ever talked to will tell you they wouldn't change anything about who they are. 

They don't want a cure. They don't want to be fixed. They are fine. There are hard things in their life but every diamond is formed under pressure. 

This is what you can expect of your child! 

Let's give autistic children and adults support to be the best they can be. To reach their full potential, as aided by their autism.

Let's accommodate sensory needs, support development and be cheerleaders.

Maybe their life will be completely conventional "normal" as we like to call it, with just a few quirks. 

Maybe they will have to have help caring for themselves. 

But I gaurentee that autism will not limit the most important things life holds

Love

True Friendship

Memory

Faith.

An really, what else is there.

So what if it's not normal? When did normal become a goal? Have we started asking our children to be average? What ever happened to unique, extraordinary, and amazing. Why would we ever want our children to fit in some mold when if they break the mold we can see what a beautiful creation they were made to be?

Autism is always seen as a negative 

But look into history. What amazing famous people who changed the world, would today have been diagnosed with autism? 

Don't let them tell you what your child can do. Because nothing is more heart breaking for a child when you believe more in a stranger then you do in them. 

Please, this autism acceptance month of April, try to see the beauty in autism. 

Let's stop scaring parents. Sure let us know there is a rough road ahead, but tell us there is hope. Tell us how to support our child and keep them safe. Don't just leave us floundering in terror. Tell us of successful autistics. Tell us of the success story you know. Stop saying "autism" the same way people say "cancer" or any number of things that are actualy deadly. 

Autism isn't a disease or sickness, so stop treating it like such.

Stop making us terrified, and start actually educating us. On what autism is for the adults living with it, on both sides of the spectrum 

And parents, don't worry, your not alone. Look in the eyes of your child, because I know when I do I'm reminded Autism is beautiful. 

Why I am not sorry my children have disabilities.

Every time I meet a new person who meets my children, they instantly notice a few things. 

1) bug doesn't talk like normal children his age

2) k doesn't really say much more then Hi (to new people) 

3) neither have any kid with kid social understanding

4) they both have strange behaviors

Often I have to give an explanation. 

"This is Bug, he has autism, and this is k, and he has a global developmental delay"

The same result comes every time, out of almos every persons mouth

"Oh, I'm so sorry that must be hard"

And I always think the same thing.... 

Here we are again. 

While I really appreciate the heart and care behind their concern I have to explain something to them every time. 

"Thank you, but I'm not sorry do you don't have to be either." 

Insert the startled looks. 

But I am not.

Both my boys are disabled, different and down right strange in some aspects. 

But dang, they are amazing! 

I want to approach a topic with you. Of course there are some hard things about raising two disabled children. There are hard things about raising children in general. The hardest for me is when the children can't tell me what's wrong. 

Second is the sensory overload 

Yes these are hard, but other parents have hard things too. 

Like (idk I don't have neurotypical children) but I would imagine that when your 4 year old tells you they hated you, that's hard. 

Or getting time with them

Or when they talk back to you it's hard. 

There are however 2 different kinds of hard here. See for me it's desperation not knowing what is wrong with my child we they are in a meltdown. For you it's not knowing how to make your child understand what you do you do out of love. 

My sons, never have a flicker of doubt in their mind I love them. They never say they hate me. They never want to ignore me(any more).

When you hear about autism it's terrifying. It is. I was terrorfied. I asked my sons diagnosing therapist "does he know I love him." 

See he was nonverbal back then. Lo those 18months ago. 

You want to know why autism was so scary? Because it's scary for a different reason then the dx we have for k.

So do you know why it's scary? 

ALL YOU EVER HEAR AVOUT AUTISM IS BAD. OR TERRORFYING. OR MEAN.

You never hear about the brilliant autistic writers, artists, doctors, carpenters, practitioners, home makers or anything else.

You never hear about the autistic social butterflies. 

Unless you are IN the autism community these are not things you hear. So when I heard autism I saw what I had grown up seeing an hearing. You see my moms friend had an autistic son who also had a long list of mental disorders. His comorbid conditions made him a horrible threat to his family. Not the autism. The comorbid conditions.

So that's all I knew. That's it. 

The fact is, as my son and one very specific autism community on Facebook has showed me, AUTISM IS BEAUTIFUL 

Infact: 

Autism is beautiful 

Autism is hard

Autism is madness 

Autism is genius.

Autism is energy

Autism is joy

Autism is strength

Autism is fear

Autism is loving

Autism is playing

Autism is habits

Autism is hobbies

Autism is power 

Autism is trust

Autism is faith

Autism is a full life. 

Autism is a big part of a person, but dammnit they are still a person! 

My favorite quote:

To succeed in art or science it seems one must have at least a little spark of autism - Hans Aspergers.

Autism is scary. Until you know what autism is. 

I am not scared of autism. I am not sorry my son has autism.

Yes k's global developmental delay is scary. It's scary because often k learns so slow. Often I don't know how to teach him. What will work. When will I find what will help him or what is causing his delay.

For the sake of this we will say GDD 

GDD is unpredictable

GDD is quirky

GDD is not growing up to fast

GDD is big smile 

GDD is warm hugs 

GDD is frustration 

GDD is flourishing 

GDD is learning and changing 

GDD is staying the same

GDD is bright eyes, smart kids and silly fun. 

It's scary because much more often then bug i find myself not knowing how to help him. I get bug more then k. It's even been poised to me that I may be aspergarian, I don't know. I don't really care for a dx if I am cuz I'm comfortable with hi I am, 

My point is: every child comes with their share of trials they and their parents must face. Don't feel sorry for me. feel sorry for parents whose children face cancer and don't make it, for parents whose children face Krabbe or Battens disease. 

Feel sorry for those who have to watch their kids die. When I say this, don't feel sorry they had them, feel sorry we don't have cures for ACTUAL illnesses and fight to help find them. 

What you can do for me is see my children's different ablilities are a part of them, and they are amazing just as they are. Be my friend let me cry and remind me how blessed I am. Tell me you don't know how to help, but don't apologize for who my kids were born be. 

Thank you. 

I have a beautiful family. 

Beautifully unique.

I know God made them this way, and if you asked me, when he made these boys, he out-did himself ;) 

I mean look at those faces! 

To the parent of the kids who don't give a care

Dear fellow parents:

I want to say thank you. Thank you so much. I am so thankful your child doesn't care. No, seriously:

Thank you for raisin a child who doesn't care that mine makes loud noises:

Sometimes both my boys tend to screech, and talk very loudly. Thank you for raising a child who doesn't care.

Thank you for raising a child who will spin in circles with my child and just laugh with them. Sure it's not conventional play but it's totally fun so they don't care. 

Thank you for raising a child who doesn't care if mine takes a toy from them, and just kindly asks them to ask. They do it because they lack social skills and we are truly trying. That is amazing that they don't lash out, or get mad, cuz they just don't care. 

Thanks for raising a child who doesn't care if others notice mine is different. It's refreshing to know that they will have friends who except their differences. That the future world will have adults who don't care.

Thank you for raising a child who doesn't care about stigma, doesn't care about normal, but instead  just cares about fun, having fun with my child. 

Sometimes children care too much.

Thank you for raising a child that doesn't care. A child that sees a heart, not a diagnosis 

To raise a child who doesn't care, we know you don't care, so thank you for not caring. 

You rock. And I promise is that if you ever face a child's diagnosis, I won't care either <3 

To my child(rens) therapists

Dear therapy team,

First off I want to say thank you. There are not enough words in the English language to articulate exactly how much what you do means to my child(ren), myself, my family, and our world. When you lay your head down to go to bed at night please know you do so having made such an incredible difference in this world. You matter. Your worth is more then words can explain. You didn't choose your career for money, you didn't choose it for power, no, you chose it to make a difference in the lives of children. This makes you something amazing. This makes you special. Thank you for the work you put into my child(ren). 

Please forgive me when I fall short. I sometimes push too hard. 

I sometimes expect you to have answers to questions I have that no one can answer. That is completely unfair of me. I just want someone to tell me we will be ok. 

Sometime(let's be honest, usually) when you come to my home it's not as clean as I would like. It's cluttered the dishes need done and sometimes it smells like unpleasant botily excretions. I promise I am trying to potty train my child who "should have been trained years ago" and until then it sometimes stinks here. I wish I had the strength time and energy to keep my home better homes and garden perfect for you. There is no sarcasm here. I really wish I did. It can jus be so hard. Thank you for not commenting when the floor needs mopped, or on the smell. I promise my house may not always be clean, but

It's always safe

Thank you for not commenting when it's obvious I haven't even found time to wash my own hair in days.  When I look tired and sloppy and my breath stinks because I was so rushed this morning I forgot to brush my teeth. Please realize I haven't eaten in those days either. There was a time when I dressed nice, when I did my hair pretty, when I did my makeup  and when I appeared to put enough care in myself. I just don't have the time anymore. My child(ren) are my only concern. 

Thank you for understanding that I work a full-time job with special needs child(ren), am a maid, a chef, a photographer, a mock-therapist, a cheerleader, a doctor, a wife, a mother, an employee, and even though my child(ren) are your job you still try to remind me of the value of me. Thank you for reminding me I am my child's biggest gift. 

I have a unique perspective on the world. I know what you give to it. You have made this world better already. 

Thank you for coming alongside my family, being non-judgemental, and realizing that we are fighting like hell just to give our child(ren) the world. For knowing sometimes it's like we are a ship taking on water. For knowing and understanding that in this life we lead, we would change nothing. Because to us our child(ren) are spectacular. 

Thank you for enduring the meltdowns, let downs, tantrums, tiredness, frustration, sometimes the anger our child(ren) sometimes have with grace. Thank you for being loving and not angry. Thank you for taking the bite my 4 year old gave you and using it to teach him instead of viewin him as a "risk". 

Thank you for forgiving my screw-ups. I never expected this life. I never expected to have to meet you. I never thought we would be here today. But we are and i am thankful to be here, with beautiful child(ren) and such support. 

As a special needs mom it can be frightening, hectic, guilt stricken, tiring, busy, hopeless, hopeful, beautiful, joyful, chaotic, pride-filled, and amazing life. Sometimes the world doesn't see the value in my child(ren) like I can. Like you can. They are different. They are beautiful. 

Thank you for understanding I am first and foremost a mother. Thank you for helping my child reach their God-given potential and purpose. Thank you for being an angel in disguise. 

With unequivocal gratitude, 

Us Special needs mothers. 

My sweet boys J & K :) both have disabilities, both have been helped by therapists diligent work! 

Dear Me:Past and Future.

Dear 10 year ago me, Today you are hanging out with Jairmie. Your having a blast and your heart beats faster when you are near him. He doesn't know how you feel 100% yet but he will. And though he will take some time, he will understand his feelings for you, and fall for you all over again. Take it from me. Our 5th wedding anniversary is 5 days away (that's right, you marry him in 5 years. But that's all about the wedding you are getting out of me). In the upcoming years you are gonna see hard times with him. Up up ups (like your first kiss) and far downs(like saying good bye) but together you will get through it all. Remember why you fell in love with him nine years from now... because your going to be blindsided by someone you thought was loyal to you, and he is going to blame you at first. Let him. He needs someone to be mad at right now.... just don't blame yourself. People are who they are and we are very loving, trusting, and sometimes a bit to naïve. That's what makes us who we are though. You live and you learn. Don't get paranoid by this message. You will come out of this trial stronger (trust me... it ends). You will forgive the person who hurt you but you will learn from the experience (its not tiffany. you don't know who tiffany is right now but its not tiffany. remember that). You are going to have children. Yeah... those doctors, they were horribly mistaken. One idiots going to tell you to abort a child. Ignore him(I did). Hes an idiot and that baby will be your first miracle. Yes I said first. So far you have 2(but right now you REALLLY want #3. In raising these two beautiful kids you will acquire strength you never new existed. Hope you never thought possible... joy immeasurable and pain that makes your heart break. They will have special needs. Oh but will they ever be two special children. Total miracles. You will not sleep (after your first child's first year) more then 5 hours a night. They lie to you. You don't adjust, but they are worth it. You will see them surpass the prognosis's of doctors (yep they get that from their momma). You will heard words you never thought would come out of their mouths, see them triumph and learn their strengths. Your heart will be filled with so much love it cant be understood. When they fail. When they are frustrated. When the disability is making their life harder, you heart will shatter. But with giggles, laughter and some good old fashion faith, you will get through those hard times. They are amazing. You will be in awe. What else? right now you are looking at going back to college (yeah if I could turn back time, I would get my act strait). Your dad, will never be a part of your life again. So when you see him before you leave (all I can say) tell him you love him, and will miss him. Hold him tight. Him being out of your life will break your heart. You will miss him at prom. You will miss him on your wedding day... you will miss him when your kids are born... but you will get to the point that his memory is only a pain in special moments. Your inlaws are amazing. They take you in. They love you like their own child. So in 6 years when they are saying stuff wrong or hurting your feelings and not meaning to.. go easy on them. They really are great people. They really do love you. They just don't always agree with you. That's ok. Make sure they know you love them too. I think they doubt how much I love them. Note that they don't quite 100 percent seem to get the disability thing, but that is ok. I am pretty sure they will soon enough :) They will go through a time of disbelief in you. You will prove them wrong to Jairmie and though him believing them will make you cry (I mean really? its truly ridiculous) you will for give him and he will still be fighting (at least he is now) to forgive himself for doubting your love. Mom and you are in contact by now. You will end up being one hell of a rebellious teenager in your own way. You will go live with her for a little while. SHe wont want you to talk to jair. You will and your right to. You will start work the day after you turn 16, you will give it all to her because you love her, and eventually you will get burnt out. You will feel unappreciated and you will be tired of fighting with you mom(pretty normal things though) you will hurt mom terribly at the climax of this. You will regret that it hurt her, but no doing it, because I would not be where I am today if it were not for that decision. And when your my age your mom will be one of your best friends. Mom really is fantastic. You definitely don't always agree but you get over that she couldn't watch you grow up, and you learn to just embrace right now with her. You really do get along now... and you love eachother so. She isn't the clingy mom/grandparent you were hoping she would be, who would go on shopping trips with you, always tell you how beautiful you are, and support your every decision (there are 2-3 she doesn't and it really is upsetting to you) but she is awesome and you guys get past the bad stuff and rarely fight. You will grow in god. You will get lost in the world, and then you will grow in god. People will second guess your faith sometimes because churches don't always get your childrens disabilities, but you will remember that the church is the house of God. It is not the opinion of God. You will write. You will hold memories close. You will be obsessed with pictures. You will be ok. Not always happy, almost always overwhelmed, but you will be ok. And don't worry you and mom work things out(though you will always annoy the daylights out of tammy). Joanna Marie, you are stronger then you think. You will learn who people really are. You will hurt. You will find fierce friends, and wolves in sheeps clothing. But you will be better for what you live through. You will be strong. You will be ok. You will have times of so much joy and times of I-don't-know-if-I-can-keep-breathing pain. Don't give up on yourself. You... 10 years from now. Dear future me, I wonder if the boys are ok. Are Jairmie and Kaiden both talking? Social? Do they have friends? Sleeping regularly? Right now Jairmie just started talking 8 months ago, and Kaiden just said his 5th word. We are pretty sure Jairmie will work it out, but sometimes we still worry about Kaiden. I bet they are SOOOO handsome :) Do you have the little girl you always dreamed of? Did you get your degree? Because right now im still scared to return to school. YOur being understanding of jairmie right? Because he is stupid so often... but he is also the love of your life. You love him for his smile, for his strengths, you love him for his joy and it hurts you when he hurts. Remember just cuz he shuts down doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Where do you live? Do you have friends? Right now my friends are so far away. is mom still around. I hope things are ok with you and her. Does will have kids yet? I hope so. He will be an amazing daddy :) When things are hard look back where you came from. We are strong. Buggy is into something. SO I must leave. But I hope you are where I hope you will be. 25 year old me.

Lately I've been thinking

I consider myself a woman of faith. I believe in God, in the bible, in good will towards my fellow man. In making a difference. In leaving a legacy that leads back to God. But lately I have been struggling, and probably over thinking things. I see leaps and bounds of progress in my 2 boys. Buggy is up to almost 50 words, Kaiden is slowly starting to talk, and I am thankful and proud. I know they will be just what they are supposed to be, but say they are behind. Saying they are delayed. Say they are disabled and they notice it. Say it causes them pain. What do I tell them to renew their faith in a god I so strongly believe in. After weeks of thought, I feel like I have been given the answer to such questions. My boys, you were born to a mother who could never have kids. You were given as a gift to the world. Your births were supposed to kill me, but I am still here. You were given prognosis' from doctors. Kaiden your pediatrician thought you "simply may never progress" and Jairmie, they said you would never talk, but look at you now. You were not given the easiest path but it was yours. And it's exactly where your supposed to be. You were put on this earth to remind people to never loose hope, never let go, never give up. You were given as a reminder to NEVER believe in the impossible. I want you to remember our songs we sing. All things bright and beautiful, all creatures great and small, all things wise and wonderful, our lord God made them all. If he took the time to make you do you think he would mis-make you? You are my miracles, my inspiration and the renewal of my faith. You can be anything. No person, no diagnosis, and no sichuation can stand in your way if you don't. Why did God make you like this? Because that's YOUR purpose. I am honored to be part of that purpose and journey. I want to see you soar in what you love. Don't let anyone change you. Ever. You change you. Make you who you thing HE would have you be. Love and live, have joy and peace and just a few tears but Never doubt you were beautifully and wonderfully made with a purpose. I love you dearly. And if you need further answers talk to he who places you with in me and spoke life into you. My precious boys. Mommy wishes the world for you. But not this one, one you will make better

Crazy amazing days

So many good things going on lately! So many crazy hectic beautiful things! Kaiden is WALKING! Scratch that, he is almost RUNNING! It is insane to me that my baby is sooo big! Jairmie is talking! yes thats right TALKING! All numbers, and the word "bug" (his nick name) but I am so very thankful! I can hardly believe what God has done for us in such lil time! PRAISE THE LORD! They are beautifully and wonderfully made, that is for sure! My boys are just where they are meant to be in their lives right now. K has speach ot and pt therapy Jairmie is now part of DDD and has respite and they are clearing his habilitation! He is in school 3 hours a day 4 days a week and I am thankful its helping him so much! I miss him but it gives me and k kaiden and mommy time and im soo thankful And then of course im working. Its been hectic, i wish i had time for more gushing about my joy and pride in these 2 fantastic boys, but alas i do not! so *GUSH GUSH TEARS OF JOY" thank you all for reading!

Today it hit me

Tomorrow we celebrate my oldest son's birthday. It's hard to believe that three years ago that rambunctious little boy was just a baby. Monday he goes to school for the first time and I find myself lost, I love that little boy so much and I am having a hard time letting go. But I suppose every child has to spread their wings and fly at sometime, I know that the school is going to be amazing for my boy. It's harder for me to let go because he does have a disability. What if they don't treat them right, what if they don't understand him what if you can't make friends the same way everybody else can will he be okay these are my questions but I just have faith that they'll do what's best for him that'll go to love him and cherish him like I do. He's growing so fast, I think of all the milestones of all the amazing things that have gone on our lives since a little baby I could never have was born. He is so cherished, and so loved and though it's hard for me to let him go for just 2 1/2 hours a day I know that this is best for him and he'll love it there. I have faith that God will use this to help him be stronger and better and maybe even start having some words. I have faith but boy am I going to miss that sweet little boy, my baby is three years old in less than a week. It's going to be a big change but of course I'll have little Kaiden and care for. My sweet little one-year-old boy my little baby or, he's a baby to me. I hope that this will be a good change for little jair I hope that me and his teacher can form an alliance where together we can help them grow stronger. A new chapter in our life is beginning, I'm sure it will have its own crazy turns it's undulations on hardships. I can't wait to see my boys grow up. I am so proud of them so proud to be their mommy got give me the wisdom to know what comes next for me how I can be a better mommy is beautiful little boys. And hey just wanting some more cuddles for Kaiden and mommy more time to practice walking talking and praying together I'm sure it'll Jeremy will have a blast and meaning Kaiden will have a ball I can't believe my child is already going to school I can't believe he's turning three but I'm so thankful to have them here with me today. Praise the Lord to give her for great thanks thank you for choosing me to be these boys mommy

I am your dinner, your my chocolate cake

There is a beautiful poem going around the web. The some of the lines I remember say I am your parent you are my child I am your calm face you are my wild. I am your dinner, your my chocolate cake. I am your kiss good night, you're wide awake. That's all I remember right now off the top of my head. Something rang true to me in that poem I am your dinner: While it sounds kind of weird and ironic ( since I'm watching world war Z) here is what it brings to mind We are something they need, parents. They need structure, nutritrician, and hope, as well as stability and love. You are my chocolate cake: Chocolate cake, a pure example of something just to nourish the soul, something we need. Happiness, serenity, peace, joy, endulgence. Yes we need these sweet little things to make life whole and happy That is my deep thought for this evening. On a side note my eldest, my beautiful big boy, turns 3 in one month. Planning his birthday around all the therapy, insanity, so on is hard. There is therapy doctor apts full time jobs, and classes to learn how to best teach our babies. But I'll plan it. I am not sure how but I will. Signing off for now

The things we want for

We want many things for our children. Seeing little ones play with each other, tag, patty cake, a since of normalcy. You can want words that say I love you, someone to look up to. But sometimes what we want we are not given. We are given more. Sometimes more is less. Less words, more squeals, less freedom, more structure, less time, more love. Some things hurt until you realize it doesn't, that your just like every other mother. A Mother who devotes her soul to those kids. Who fears for their future. That all you really wat is the best for them. For them to Play, to be happy, proud of you,to know they are loved. Your just like every other mom after all. And that's ok.you don't have to be super mom. Your already a hero to them. And from then on all you want is their happiness. Even if that's lining blocks or stacking books. Working at McDonald's or being an astronaut. And you go from being scared and nervous to jus remembering they arent like every other child, and that's what makes them so amazing they are the only them in the world. And that is pretty cool when you think about it. You just have faith that god has and will continue to give you all the tools you need to raise these two beaitiful idividuals god gave you... And you smile. Cuz you are so blessed. It's not about what you want for them it's what god wants fr them.

About me

I believe in God. I believe in miracles. I have seen them. I was always told I could not have babies, but as you can see you have these two beautiful boys. I believe God gave us these two beautiful boys for a reason. God gives us these beautiful miracles, these tiny little things to raise and to teach and to most importantly love, and it is our highest calling just to give them everything we can. That was the only hard thing about the diagnosis of Autism for Jairmie. It took me a little while to get past the thought of "why wasnt i able to teach him to talk? Why wasnt i able to give him that". God gives us these beautiful gifts that change everything we are. They are so worth it though. I cant even explain. God brings us through hell sometimes, just to get to where we are. Hard times, impossible outcomes, tears, fear, and all of a sudden you are hold ing this beautiful little one to cherish. That is a miracle. That God would pick YOU to raise these children, that is something to be in AWE of. God sacrificed so much for me, the way i see it, then not only does he give us this gift of forgiveness, and unending love, but he, knowing your imperfect, sends you a beautiful perfect gift... its shockingly humbling. Yes I believe in God and I believe God gave us Jairmie and Kaiden for a reason. We are honored to be their parents. I love them with all my heart. When you count ten tiny fingers ten little toes... when you hear that first little snore. you know what i mean. I am thankful so very thankful for these boys. On a more personal note, Recently I was betrayed by someone i love. Whatever the reason, I am thankful for one thing, everything that she did, reminded me one more time how precious these two little miracles are. I went from rushing through the day, task one task two, therapies, cooking cleaning, to once again noticing those little breathes, the song of a childs laughter while reading books while I am cleaning. I will not allow me to ever forget to absorb these things again. While I forgive her... i can never forget it. And I cannot allow my self to be fooled into trusting her again. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. I forgive her, but dont forget, I move on, and I thank God for using a selfish heart (to be fair, all hearts are a little selfish) to remind me to appreciate the little things in life... like a little man holding on tightly to my leg when im trying to vaccum. I thank God for reminding me its about the little moments. All mommys know what its like going day to day back to back moving constently loving your child giving them your best, and just being to busy to remember all the little things that are really the big things. I thank God to be reminded that therapy is important but kisses are priceless... that as the poem goes, quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep! I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.

Meet the boys.

Next I wanted to introduce you to my beautiful boys. Jairmie is our eldest, Kaiden is our youngest. This was just a brief way to introduce you to the boys. This way you have a face to the name.

Why a blog?

My name is Joanna, and the mother of two children. Two beautiful wonderful. Amazing children there is Jairmie who is almost 3 and Kaiden who just turned one. They are inspiration, my hope, my loves, my miracle boys. Jairmie was diagnosed autism this year. Actually only a week or so ago. But we've known something was different about him since he was one. Our main concern and reason for getting them tested was the fact that he is nonverbal. Our pediatrician said not to worry about it, that every kid learns on their own at their own pace and that he would be fine. But almost 3 years old and still not talking we knew there was something that needed to be addressed. Still normal or not, he's a brilliant sweet funny and so energetic. That boy bounces off the walls. Kaiden also disabled, he has a global developmental delay. He has compassion understanding for his brother and are blessed have both these beautiful children. Balancing two children with disabilities is hard. You're always afraid that you may be doing something wrong that it may come across as though you have a favorite, or you have a harder time teaching one or you have a hard time balancing if all and heck my kids aren't even five yet they won't remember anything from this. It's scary though because you don't want to play favorites but you have to help both children be the best they can be. So you pull yourself up by your bootstraps, have faith pray and hope to God that he gives you strength to get through every day. This blog is being written to raise awareness for autism for what it's like to be a special-needs parent and to give me some sanity. So without further ado welcome to my blog, welcome to my life.