Dear Me:Past and Future.

Dear 10 year ago me, Today you are hanging out with Jairmie. Your having a blast and your heart beats faster when you are near him. He doesn't know how you feel 100% yet but he will. And though he will take some time, he will understand his feelings for you, and fall for you all over again. Take it from me. Our 5th wedding anniversary is 5 days away (that's right, you marry him in 5 years. But that's all about the wedding you are getting out of me). In the upcoming years you are gonna see hard times with him. Up up ups (like your first kiss) and far downs(like saying good bye) but together you will get through it all. Remember why you fell in love with him nine years from now... because your going to be blindsided by someone you thought was loyal to you, and he is going to blame you at first. Let him. He needs someone to be mad at right now.... just don't blame yourself. People are who they are and we are very loving, trusting, and sometimes a bit to naïve. That's what makes us who we are though. You live and you learn. Don't get paranoid by this message. You will come out of this trial stronger (trust me... it ends). You will forgive the person who hurt you but you will learn from the experience (its not tiffany. you don't know who tiffany is right now but its not tiffany. remember that). You are going to have children. Yeah... those doctors, they were horribly mistaken. One idiots going to tell you to abort a child. Ignore him(I did). Hes an idiot and that baby will be your first miracle. Yes I said first. So far you have 2(but right now you REALLLY want #3. In raising these two beautiful kids you will acquire strength you never new existed. Hope you never thought possible... joy immeasurable and pain that makes your heart break. They will have special needs. Oh but will they ever be two special children. Total miracles. You will not sleep (after your first child's first year) more then 5 hours a night. They lie to you. You don't adjust, but they are worth it. You will see them surpass the prognosis's of doctors (yep they get that from their momma). You will heard words you never thought would come out of their mouths, see them triumph and learn their strengths. Your heart will be filled with so much love it cant be understood. When they fail. When they are frustrated. When the disability is making their life harder, you heart will shatter. But with giggles, laughter and some good old fashion faith, you will get through those hard times. They are amazing. You will be in awe. What else? right now you are looking at going back to college (yeah if I could turn back time, I would get my act strait). Your dad, will never be a part of your life again. So when you see him before you leave (all I can say) tell him you love him, and will miss him. Hold him tight. Him being out of your life will break your heart. You will miss him at prom. You will miss him on your wedding day... you will miss him when your kids are born... but you will get to the point that his memory is only a pain in special moments. Your inlaws are amazing. They take you in. They love you like their own child. So in 6 years when they are saying stuff wrong or hurting your feelings and not meaning to.. go easy on them. They really are great people. They really do love you. They just don't always agree with you. That's ok. Make sure they know you love them too. I think they doubt how much I love them. Note that they don't quite 100 percent seem to get the disability thing, but that is ok. I am pretty sure they will soon enough :) They will go through a time of disbelief in you. You will prove them wrong to Jairmie and though him believing them will make you cry (I mean really? its truly ridiculous) you will for give him and he will still be fighting (at least he is now) to forgive himself for doubting your love. Mom and you are in contact by now. You will end up being one hell of a rebellious teenager in your own way. You will go live with her for a little while. SHe wont want you to talk to jair. You will and your right to. You will start work the day after you turn 16, you will give it all to her because you love her, and eventually you will get burnt out. You will feel unappreciated and you will be tired of fighting with you mom(pretty normal things though) you will hurt mom terribly at the climax of this. You will regret that it hurt her, but no doing it, because I would not be where I am today if it were not for that decision. And when your my age your mom will be one of your best friends. Mom really is fantastic. You definitely don't always agree but you get over that she couldn't watch you grow up, and you learn to just embrace right now with her. You really do get along now... and you love eachother so. She isn't the clingy mom/grandparent you were hoping she would be, who would go on shopping trips with you, always tell you how beautiful you are, and support your every decision (there are 2-3 she doesn't and it really is upsetting to you) but she is awesome and you guys get past the bad stuff and rarely fight. You will grow in god. You will get lost in the world, and then you will grow in god. People will second guess your faith sometimes because churches don't always get your childrens disabilities, but you will remember that the church is the house of God. It is not the opinion of God. You will write. You will hold memories close. You will be obsessed with pictures. You will be ok. Not always happy, almost always overwhelmed, but you will be ok. And don't worry you and mom work things out(though you will always annoy the daylights out of tammy). Joanna Marie, you are stronger then you think. You will learn who people really are. You will hurt. You will find fierce friends, and wolves in sheeps clothing. But you will be better for what you live through. You will be strong. You will be ok. You will have times of so much joy and times of I-don't-know-if-I-can-keep-breathing pain. Don't give up on yourself. You... 10 years from now. Dear future me, I wonder if the boys are ok. Are Jairmie and Kaiden both talking? Social? Do they have friends? Sleeping regularly? Right now Jairmie just started talking 8 months ago, and Kaiden just said his 5th word. We are pretty sure Jairmie will work it out, but sometimes we still worry about Kaiden. I bet they are SOOOO handsome :) Do you have the little girl you always dreamed of? Did you get your degree? Because right now im still scared to return to school. YOur being understanding of jairmie right? Because he is stupid so often... but he is also the love of your life. You love him for his smile, for his strengths, you love him for his joy and it hurts you when he hurts. Remember just cuz he shuts down doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Where do you live? Do you have friends? Right now my friends are so far away. is mom still around. I hope things are ok with you and her. Does will have kids yet? I hope so. He will be an amazing daddy :) When things are hard look back where you came from. We are strong. Buggy is into something. SO I must leave. But I hope you are where I hope you will be. 25 year old me.

Lately I've been thinking

I consider myself a woman of faith. I believe in God, in the bible, in good will towards my fellow man. In making a difference. In leaving a legacy that leads back to God. But lately I have been struggling, and probably over thinking things. I see leaps and bounds of progress in my 2 boys. Buggy is up to almost 50 words, Kaiden is slowly starting to talk, and I am thankful and proud. I know they will be just what they are supposed to be, but say they are behind. Saying they are delayed. Say they are disabled and they notice it. Say it causes them pain. What do I tell them to renew their faith in a god I so strongly believe in. After weeks of thought, I feel like I have been given the answer to such questions. My boys, you were born to a mother who could never have kids. You were given as a gift to the world. Your births were supposed to kill me, but I am still here. You were given prognosis' from doctors. Kaiden your pediatrician thought you "simply may never progress" and Jairmie, they said you would never talk, but look at you now. You were not given the easiest path but it was yours. And it's exactly where your supposed to be. You were put on this earth to remind people to never loose hope, never let go, never give up. You were given as a reminder to NEVER believe in the impossible. I want you to remember our songs we sing. All things bright and beautiful, all creatures great and small, all things wise and wonderful, our lord God made them all. If he took the time to make you do you think he would mis-make you? You are my miracles, my inspiration and the renewal of my faith. You can be anything. No person, no diagnosis, and no sichuation can stand in your way if you don't. Why did God make you like this? Because that's YOUR purpose. I am honored to be part of that purpose and journey. I want to see you soar in what you love. Don't let anyone change you. Ever. You change you. Make you who you thing HE would have you be. Love and live, have joy and peace and just a few tears but Never doubt you were beautifully and wonderfully made with a purpose. I love you dearly. And if you need further answers talk to he who places you with in me and spoke life into you. My precious boys. Mommy wishes the world for you. But not this one, one you will make better